Friday, 4 August 2017

What BBC Celebrity Can I Swap My VC for?

When the Times Higher announced the results of the Vice Chancellors' salary survey 2017 in June there was outrage in some parts of academia and beyond. The salary of Bath's VC, Prof Dame Glynis Breakwell, was 'morally indefensible', wailed the Bath Chronicle, quoting the local MP Wera Hobhouse.

However, the subsequent revelations about BBC pay has put it all in to perspective. Prof Dame Glynis' £451k could only buy you a Claudia Winkleman or a Matt Baker. Steve Wright wouldn't even get out of bed for that. However, it's worth noting that you could get three Darcey Bussells, or possibly one and a half Sue Barkers. Or, if you shop around, a newsroom including Gavin Esler, Justin Webb and Kirsty Wark.

Hmm. Maybe she's not the bargain I thought.

Well, to put things into perspective, and to offer a little light summer reading, Fundermentals is offering you a cut-out-and-keep guide to the trade in value of your VCs. It might just be worth leaving around your senior common room. Good to keep them on their toes.


£100,000-£149,999: The Cut Price Crowd
Bishop Grosseteste
Glasgow School of Art
Leeds College of Art
Rose Bruford
Royal Conservatoire Scotland
Royal Northern College of Music

I'm sorry. You're going to have to up your offer. Really, at that kind of price tag you're not going to even get a basic Jonathan Agnew. Possibly half an Aggers: you could see if he's up for a jobshare. Or a quarter of an Alan Shearer. You might as well ask; your options are limited if you want a bit of showbiz sparkle.

£150,000-£199,000: The News Room
Abertay
Chichester
Courtauld
Cumbria
Gloucestershire
Harper Adams
Leeds Trinity
Liverpool Institute of Performing Arts
London
London Institute of Banking Finance
Newman
Norwich University of Arts
Ravensbourne
Royal Academy of Music
Royal Agricultural University
Royal Central School of Speech and Drama
St Mary Twickenham
SRUC
Suffolk
Trinity Laban
Yes, essentially you can afford the jobbing journos. Moira Stuart, Justin Webb, Kamal Ahmed, Jeremy Bowen, Ben Brown, Mark Easton, Gavin Esler, James Naughtie, John Pienaar, Sophie Raworth, John Simpson and Kirsty Wark. All available to distribute degrees and smile in promotional material.

Alternatively, if you're feeling a little showbiz, you could get Darcey Bussell or Craig Horwood off Strictly instead. How about Adrian Chiles or Clare Balding? You're in with a shout.
£200,000-£249,999: A Mixed Bag
Arts University Bournemouth
Bangor
Birmingham City
Bolton
Bradford
Bucks
Derby
Bedfordshire
UEA
Edinburgh Napier
Essex
Goldsmiths
Greenwich
Heriot Watt
Highlands & Islands
Keele
Kingston
Leeds Beckett
London Met
Loughborough
Northampton
Oxford Brookes
QMU
Regents University London
Robert Gordon
Royal College of Art
Royal College of Music
St Andrews
St Georges
University St Mark St John
Salford
SOAS
University of South Wales
Southampton Solent
Staffordshire
Sunderland
University College Birmingham
UCA
University of West London
University of West Scotland
Winchester
York
York St John
There aren't many places where Dannii Minogue and Alan Yentob would rub shoulders. But they're both in line to be your next VC. Yes, their BBC salaries are in line with those of your VC, so who knows? If you play your cards right....

Elsewhere you might want a bit of Strictly glamour: you could get Len or Bruno. Equally Jools Holland's in the frame, as is sweary Dr Who Peter Capaldi. Now *that's* the kind of shake up Senate might need...
£250,000-£299,999: the Favoured Few
UEL
Bath Spa
Bournemouth
Brighton
Bristol
Brunel
Canterbury Christ Church University
Cardiff
Cardiff Met
UCLAN
Chester
Coventry
Dundee
Durham
Edinburgh
Falmouth
Glasgow
Glasgow Caledonian
Hertfordshire
Hull
Institute of Cancer Research
Kent
Lancaster
Leeds
Leicester
Lincoln
Liverpool Hope
Liverpool John Moores
Liverpool School of Tropical Medicine
LSHTM
London South Bank
Manchester
Middlesex
Newcastle
Northumbria
Nottingham Trent
Plymouth
Portsmouth
QMUL
Queens Belfast
Reading
Roehampton
Royal Veterinary College
Stirling
Surrey
Sussex
Swansea
Teesside
Ulster
University of the Arts London
University of the West England
Westminster
Wolverhampton
Although most VCs fit within this pay bracket (an impressive 53 of all UK HEIs), I'm afraid the BBC talent is more scant. 

So you'd better be quick. You can choose from a clutch of DJs - Zoe Ball, Ken Bruce, Scott Mills or Trevor Nelson - a hat-trick of journos - Nick Robinson, Evan Davis or George Alaghiah - or go for one of your own, with the lovely, whispery Manchester Professor of Loveliness, Brian Cox. The choice, Cilla, is yours.
£300,000-£349,999: The Arched Eyebrow
Aberystwyth
Aston
Anglia Ruskin
Aberdeen
Cambridge
City
De Montfort
Edge Hill
Glyndwr
Huddersfield
Liverpool
Man Met
Open
RHUL
Sheffield Hallam
University of Wales/St David
Worcester
A slim choice of four, most of whom specialise in arched eyebrows and sideways glances to camera: Eddie Mair, Nick Knowles, Lauren Laverne, or Sue Barker.

I know. Might be best to stick with what you've got. Unless you want unfettered access to Wimbledon, or part of your estates are in desperate need of a bit of DIY SOS.
£350,000-£399,999: The Odd Trio
Birkbeck
Cranfield
Exeter
Imperial
Kings
LSE
Nottingham
Oxford
Strathclyde
UCL
Really, there's very little that unites Fiona Bruce, Nick Grimshaw and Tess Daly. Other than that they're in the same pay bracket as your VC, of course. Still, if you need someone who's good with antiques, can get up at the crack of dawn, or keep a panel of loudmouths in check, this selection might just be for you.
£400,000-£449,999: Kings of the Sofa
Birmingham
London Business School
Sheffield
Warwick
If you've got a sofa you need to test-drive, this could be the selection for you. And, as luck would have it, you have the cash to lure them away. Andrew Marr, Nicky Campbell, Alan Shearer, Alex Jones and - um - Stephen Nolan. I think the last of these are for our Northern Irish readers only. I'm not sure of his sofa credentials.
£450,000-£499,999: Sparkle and Shine
Bath
Yes, Bath, this is for you. You're only outspent by Southampton. For you, we have the finest riches available to humanity. Or rather, Claudia Winkleman or Matt Baker.

No, I don't understand the BBC remuneration system either.
£650,000-£699,999: the Gruff Welsh
Southampton
Ah, Southampton. You're in a field of one, and are the only university that could afford – indeed, afford and then have change left over – either the irascible John Humphrys or the grumpy Huw Edwards.

In addition you can afford pretty much the rest of the BBC roster. Except Jeremy Vine, Steve Wright, Graham Norton, Chris Evans or Gary Lineker. 

But who wants them?


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